only 6 weeks to go until baby keira is due....we are not at all ready for her. i feel glen doesn't even like to talk about even starting to get ready... i have no idea where we are even going to put her? the space in this house is extremely limited!!!! i made a kids sleep area in the living room for my other 2 kids. but i'm not putting (nor would she fit) out there too. everything i had for mia is at my moms (100 miles away) and i have no way of getting there to get it all... so i have no clothes, blankets and such for her. and even if i did have it here (which would be better than not) i wouldn't have anywhere to put it. i feel he thinks that we can put it all off until the last minute... but we can't do that...just don't know when that last minute will be. and i'm really stressing out about it, he tells me not too... but when i see nothing being done...what else am i gonna do??? thats right....sit here and worry about it.

i haven't seen him for more than a couple hours in the past 2 weeks. and when he is home he is either sleeping or watching a movie with one of his friends... he doesn't really talk to me...doesn't really look at me...doesn't even touch me for that matter. i don't know what is going on. but i'm really getting sick of it! i'm honestly thinking about moving out. go get a house and a roommate. i really think things will be easier that way... but there is a problem there... i have nowhere to go. i'm on bedrest so i can't work. no money to my name. plus i am afraid to be alone so i don't think i'll really do it. (this is the first time i've ever admitted that.)

all i want is somebody who want to be with me, spend time with me, talk to me, to be excited to see me and the kids, involve us in their life, and be involved in ours... i want someone who will tell me they love me first, kiss me for no reason, to just hold me for that matter. i want someone who will find a babysitter and take me out on a date without me know it. i want someone who will make me feel like i'm special...like i'm wanted...needed. i want someone i could count on...and trust. i could go on forever...but i'm not going to. no point. all it'll do is depress me more.

i believe things happen for a reason... but i can't figure it out. why did i really move here? all my friends and all my family (atleast the ones i can count on and trust with my kids lifes) are all back in washington. i was out on my own and doing good. then my mother convinced me to move here with her...and sence then everything has gone down hill. FAST!!! (if you really want to know, ask.) i feel like i'm being chased down this long dark hallway with tuns of doors on each side...and as i'm running i'm trying to open the doors, but non of them are opening. Its a neverending hallway...just keeps getting longer and longer the more i run.

i'm getting tired. all i want to do is sleep...but i can't. i have a hard time sleeping at night (hip and back pain), and by the time i finally fall asleep josh and mia wake up. glen isn't any help...he sleeps until 2 then goes to work until 5 or 6 then goes out with his friends until 3 or 4 am... and when i ask for help i get an attitude... i'm not one to really ask for help, but when i do... i really need it.

i'm afraid to have this baby. this is my last one. and i don't have the support i'm needing. i'm going to deliver naturally, and i'm scared that glen wont really be there for me. its not like he is now anyway... i don't have anyone to be there with me. when i had josh (at 16)i started hemeroging and i almost died. with mia(at 19) everytime i pushed her heart would stop, and she almost died....whats next? both keira and i (at 20)? plus the doctors that i've seen here don't help any.